I don't know where to start. So maybe I'll start on Sunday night before we lost you. Your breathing had slowed and some morphine had been given you and you were resting and the room was quiet. Someone brought in one of your blankets from home and I stretched it out over you. And then I combed your hair and I just broke down. I don't think I have ever cried like that before as I knew I was going to loose you and would never be able to see you smile or laugh again. So how to begin?
I met you in 1971. I went to visit my friend Dan and I could hear his voice in the apartment next door, it being summer and the windows being open, so I knocked on the door. Your friend Terry answered the door and you were standing several feet back, long hair and a long dress and you were stunningly beautiful. A beautiful college girl "hippie chick". I'm not sure how the date got arranged, but Dan and Terry and you and I went to the Holiday Inn in Yuma for a dinner ( which was a pretty upscale place to eat way back then ) ... you told me later you didn't want to go, but Terry said "oh Susan, it's a free meal". We dated that summer and someplace in all of that I asked for your hand and we got engaged. And then you thought better of it and we broke it off. I got out of the Marines and went home and you went to Cleveland, Summer of 72 was over and I came to Tucson to go to school and ran into friends from Yuma who were going to school here and they said "we ran in to Susan today!" Somehow we reconnected and dated and decided to get married and there we were in Santa Fe with the infamous car fire being put out by Dan and I and your sister asking you as you two drove up "what are they doing ? are you sure you want to do this?? "
I went to school and you sold waterbeds .. a DJ friend played "Tiny Dancer" for you on the radio. We got a washing machine when you and Nancy ran into a weird guy at a laundromat and then we bought our house that became our home for years to come. You loved everything about the house.
You met my parents and they fell in love with you and you with them. You were their first daughter. They cared so much about you and you them.
And then you came home one day from classes at Pima and you told me you were pregnant. And you told me I should talk to your OB-GYN and I did and he told me a little bit about you and what you were dealing with personally. But I still didn't really know. And you carried our baby and then your water broke and I got you to TMC and suddenly I was talking to an anestheologist and he was visibly shaken by what was going to happen and suddenly I was too and we had a room full of people pulling for you and Paul and cheering as he came into this world.
You were strong and healthy and jumped into life with a new baby. That story of when you took him to the mall and an older lady asked you if your mother knew you had this baby out ... she didn't think it was yours and he was so tiny.
You and Paul and the other wives and kids picked us up when we came home from LA when I flew there every week ... you and he were home alone and I am sorry for that separation and then we moved and we were together again ... LA was fun for a while but it was so good to get back to Tucson. You treated it all as an adventure ... you worked selling baskets and plants in LA on Ventura Boulevard ( the Basket Case and Plant Orphanage ) driving our yellow Datsun pickup to work ... You took ballet lessons with Marlene.
We traveled to visit relatives with most of our vacations, but got a few trips in to visit friends in Yuma and just goof off, you always looked forward to getting away and going places. I wish we had done more.
You went with me to the Fleetwood Mac concert wearing white coveralls. We had bleacher seats and our friends Mike and Mimi and others were on the field and we saw people jumping the fence and I pretty much tossed you over it and told you to "run" and you did run as a security guy came up. I still remember grass stains all over those white coveralls.
Somehow the 80's passed as Paul grew and I surprised you with a red VW one day while you were at work at Mervyn's ... I shouldn't have done such an expense without checking with you but there it was with Paul and a buddy in the back and me handing you the keys and I loved the surprise on your face.
You were always so kind to all of the animals in our house. Kitties and doggies and you turned me from a "they belong outside" to "they're welcome on the bed" and they enriched our lives. You so loved walking outside around our home, just looking at the cactus and the sky and the passing of the seasons. That time when I was trying to get Bandit our orange cat to go back to the house and he ran straight toward you and GreyBoy at top speed and GreyBoy jumped straight up in the air. We laughed so hard at those two.
You went to the hospital from time to time. I still didn't know exactly what your issues were, and then we got better imaging and names started being applied. Atrial septal defect, pulmonary arterial hypertension. And after one trip the doctors said you needed supplemental oxygen at home and the machine came and it was loud and you were so bummed out by it all, You cried and I hugged you and we figured out how to put it into another room and you only needed it at night and it was all ok.
And then you got close to 50 and I decided to surprise you. And your friends wouldn't talk to you in the week or so up to the party because they didn't want to blow the surprise. And your Mom and sister called you and wished you a Happy Birthday over the phone the day before. You were so bummed out that they weren't going to be here ( and they were at George's house laughing as they were right here in Tucson to surprise you ). You wanted a new phone because you were sad and I bought you a red phone to go with your red car and then we went to Tohno Chul and there were the folks from work and your Mom and Luly and Ed and Garrett and John and George and Paul and Heather and many other friends!
You could still go to Santa Fe and see your Mom and sister and spend precious time with them. And Paul went with you and I would work. And then one day Paul introduced us to Heather and you and I had a daughter in our lives and you loved talking with her and spending time with them as a couple and then they gave us a grandson and now you were someone's Mimi!
But as the years passed each little hospital visit would take a bit out of you and leave you a bit weakened from where you were before and that hurt me to see, but you were so strong and so resolute through it all.
I loved that little trip we made with Whisper to Ocean Beach, just a few days watching her at Dog Beach when she drank all that ocean water and she couldn't eat or poop for maybe 3 days .. you were so happy.
Connor gave you great joy. He loved to sit on the couch with you and watch a tv program or you would play a game or cook something in the kitchen. Nothing like cooking with Mimi and having Connor over and reading to him before his bedtime.
More hospital trips, new kitty cats. You came back from the hospital trips and I got used to telling the doctors what your oxygen saturation levels should look like and how many liters of o2 you were using at home. And they would pump you full of oxygen and give you antibiotics and I knew that was the combination that would keep you going forever.
Your Aunt Janet turned 90 and we went to Maine and I got to see some of your childhood places. Such a wonderful trip with you.
I started leaving on bike trips. I guess I never really though about how lonely you would be when I was out there in the middle of nowhere for days at a time and you were home with the kitties. I am so sorry I was so selfish.
You would call me Bear and I would call you Bugit. You would draw these little smily girl pictures on cards that you would give me for Valentines Day and birthdays. On our honeymoon we went to Yosemite and we got to a hotel and you had a bad dream in the middle of the night and you said "bear .. bear's going to get me" and I was a mean little boy and teased you. I'm sorry Honey..
The pandemic came and I worried about you and we had you "grounded" for a long time. You got all your shots and you were so much happier when you got to go out and do grocery shopping. You really liked going down to Safeway and getting your coffee at Starbucks and talking to the people there ... sometimes I know it took a bit out of you even with your portable oxygen generator but you were still getting outside and seeing people.
You loved our 50th anniversary party, it was so sweet and you were totally surprised. And right up to the end you were still doing little trips out and going outside and looking at the sky. You went out that night to watch the incoming storm and you fell and hit your head hard and then called out for me. And we went to the hospital and I thought you were ok and we came home. But you weren';t and I called an ambulance and they took you away and you had seizures and Honey I started loosing you and they gave you all the oxygen and it wasn;'t enough this time and there you were in that bed and so quiet and I was so helpless.
I love you Susan. I love you so damn much and you brought so much happiness and light and fun into the lives of so many people. You were a treasure to all of us who knew and loved you. Goodbye Honey.
